So, this should be the follow up post of what I've written previously. I know that I can easily delete stuff I ended up not liking to expose, but I made a promise to myself long time ago to always stand by what I did / said regardless of the outcome. The previous post might not seem right to a lot of you; instead of complaining and let all these emotions took over me I should have embrace the beauty of Europe and learn as much as I can. Those were what I have been doing, but emotions are emotions.
Indeed, these past few months have been extremely hard for me and in fact, I have been experiencing hell of a ride of an emotional roller coaster. On a good day, I felt like I can take on the world and to be alone actually felt great. But on the other days, I desperately need somebody to talk and connect with. This was perhaps, the worst emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. It made me realize the emotional resilience I had was not strong enough, or had it lost its way? There's no right explanation for this.
However, things are getting so much better these past few days. I am not sure if the silence of the sea is as a result of my plan of going back to Singapore during the Easter break or whether it is a result of me getting back onto designing again. Either way, I am on the right state of mind right now. I stopped complaining and to be so obsessed of what the future holds. I stopped micro-planning every step I'm going to take and to instead, try the best I could, explore all options and let things fall into place. I am sure and I promise upon myself that I will achieve what I set out to do, despite the amount time it takes. I have gone a bit spiritual these days;
I used to be someone full of negativities and was a pessimistic being. But those issues I experienced, although intoxicating, had indeed taught me a few lessons to implement in life. Of course, I have not experience a drastic change of becoming a positive minded person but the fact that I am slowly overcoming it, is a win.
Amidst the numerous self reflections I did, I have decided to share some of my thoughts I reckon will be useful to others. The first, is about re-discovering passions. I am not sure if you guys know this, but the thing about passion to me, is that it is not a constant element that sticks with you through thick and thin. To discover a passion, is one thing; but to maintain a passion, is another thing. You work on it, you stick with it no matter what comes along. This is something I have struggled upon, twice in my lifetime which was during significantly stressful periods.
I lost my way.. not in way where I do not value fashion anymore. I still valued it, but the drive was gone which simultaneously dimmed the passion I had. It is of course, embarrassing to admit this, but it is a process I needed to go through. During the first time, it took a month or two for me to re-discover what I stand for. This time, it costs me a longer and more dejected process to re-discover it. But once I did, I have a clearer vision and mission to what I want to stand up for. I re-discovered my passion, and this time, it is a profound one.
To my fellow dreamers and passionate individuals, the key learning of this is : if life ever gets too intense and too stressful to overcome, do not be deluded by frustrations like it deluded me. You might stumbled upon the thought of whether this is the right path, whether you are talented enough, but along this dejected period but you have to constantly believe in yourself. It is definitely, easier said than done. However, one truth remains that everything starts from within.. If you do not believe in yourself, how could you convince others to believe in you?
I thought this is a valuable learning to share as I love passionate individuals and I wish for the best to each and everyone.
Moving on, the second experience I learned was a recent one, which was that of re-discovering myself. My high school years was possessed by the desire to have a guy in my life. It was a desire I always battled up within and hate to mention again now. I disdain the idea of having someone to rely on emotionally. This desire was later erased away when I came to Singapore. To me, I become my best self when I concentrated on my work and the environment in Singapore helped to shape this confidence. It was the best 3 years of my life, having to only think about fashion and designing. Unfortunately, the loneliness I felt in Milan, brought back the version of me I wished to not see anymore.
The re-discovery of my passion led to the re-discovery of myself. I am now, back to the best version I am. It felt so very empowering, to rely on me and myself only. Albeit not a full force feminist, I do admire strong, empowered women. They broke the rules in the society and proven that women have the right and are able to go for their dreams too.
Speaking to all genders, I have always believe that at the end of the day, we must rely on ourselves. I experienced this myself that there is no one you can truly rely on. It always has to be you who saves yourself and as Buddha puts it;
Lastly, I wish what I've learned could benefit those in need of reassurance and this is by far the most spiritual post I have ever written. I would like to thank my family and friends who have shared their advices, wisdom and supports all these time. You guys know who you are!