Past and Present

I have been receiving comments from my friends and family about how i've changed so drastically in a short amount of time, of how i view certain things and how tough and strong - headed i am now compared to years ago. But the thing is, i am not proud of who i was back then. All that i ever talked about is love and relationships and i did tons of stupid things for others so naturally, i have a lot of things to say everyday about those sort of things and it's fun for others to hear because i said those things in a funny way. I was a person who laughed my ass off everyday, joking around and making fun of others but somewhere around 2013, i lost myself completely. I didn't laugh as much, i take things more seriously and i'm no longer interested in love or relationships. I'm sorry but i'm so very tired of those stuffs. I made a complete idiot out of myself and there was nothing to be proud of.

It's true when my friend pointed out that i'm so scared to fall in love to the extend that i build a huge wall to prevent myself from falling again. I have my own defense system, but so far i'm liking that system. In fact, i'm loving my defense mode. It makes me the person i've always wanted to be, the empowered and independent kind of woman. And my friend also pointed out that i can't let go of things that have happened in the past, regardless of what it is and i hate to say this, but yes it's true that i can't let go of certain things. I can forgive people quite easily because i tend to forget about it after a while, but i will not forget how they made me feel. I will never forget what they did, depending on the level of pain they give me. Up until now, i hate the people at my hometown so much that i generalized everyone into one category which is wrong of me. I shouldn't be stereotyping people just because i befriended the wrong ones back then, but the pain i received was big enough to blinded me over who's good and who's not. Perhaps everything will be better if i am willing to let go of those pains but it's still a struggle. Those pains are my motivations. They bring me back up when i was feeling down and up until now, i have been keeping and pressing those pains down under to the point that i barely know it exists. 

Regardless of whether i am falling into the dark path or into the bright path, i love where i'm standing right now and i hope my friends are willing to accept the fact that i've changed and be ok with it. 

Silvia TehComment