This Act Called Life

Do you know that i'm the kind of person who thinks of random things about life most of the time? I like to observe the life of other people's. Whenever i'm on the train or on the bus, i like to look around and wonder how others' life is going, what problems they are facing and what happiness they are celebrating. Wondering so made me realize that this world isn't just about me. I constantly feel that i am the main actress in this act called life. But no, i'm actually not. I am just a small contributor to life, of how it works and plays. Knowing so, made me feel that i shouldn't be selfish. This world doesn't rotate around me and i should appreciate every little blessings and problems i have in life. I should give more to the less fortunate and i should care more about this earth we're living in. 

There's this one moment in my life, where i really did what other's encouraged us to do. Normally i'm not the kind of person who follow encouragements like saving the earth, or other social / environment - related encouragements. But i did follow what Ellen Degeneres said. She keep saying "Be kind to one another" on her show and i actually followed. I should say, i am truly inspired by her life, her values and her doings. Two days ago, there's an old lady grabbing my hand suddenly asking me to buy a pen from her but i ignored and walked away. My first thought was, that might be a scam. But there's this sudden reminder "Be kind to one another' that keeps shouting in my head as i walked away. I felt really bad and i went back and donate some money to her. Whether it was a scam or not, at least I'm doing what was right. 

Anyway, my point of telling this story is to tell others to be kind to one another. A small action of yours can make others day happier. In fact, i am also inspired by this article i read. It's about making other's life brighter. A small action will make their day, like helping them to stop the bus when they're running for it, lending an umbrella to strangers, etc. Too bad i don't have the link to that, but really, if we can make their day with such small actions, why not? It'll make us feel better about ourselves too. 

Ok, so moving on to another thing i'd like to talk about (yes i like to talk about a lot of things at once). I should say that this long holiday is hell to me. I have been battling with my insecurities, my self - esteem, my confidence, etc. Basically i don't have much faith in myself and yes, others might wonder why i don't have faith in myself when i have several achievements in hand. What they don't know is i have a huge insecurities inside. That's why i keep joining competitions, as it is the only way to prove to myself that i am enough, or i have what it takes to be in the fashion industry. But the problem now is that, no matter how many achievements i have, i constantly feel i'm not enough. I need constant reminder that i am good enough, so i need to join competitions and to actually get selected to make me feel so. But that happiness of getting selected only lasted for a while. When bad times hit, I'll go back to square one again and I'll be battling with my insecurities again. 

I love the fashion industry, to the extend that i don't mind being alone. Believe me, if you knew me for a long time you will never thought that i'll change this drastically. I was the type of girl who thinks love is everything and i spent my life finding the right guy. I spent my days talking about love and guys. But now? I don't even care about guys and love. I talk about what life's about, my dreams, my ambitions, etc.
I am not in love with fashion because of its glitz and glamour but i'm purely in love with the ideas of creating something for the women i wanted to dress. I love fashion so much that i've dedicated my life to this alone. I wanted to contribute, to be a part of something big. And that scares me. That brings out all the insecurities because i constantly doubt myself that i'm able to become the person i wanted to be. I have a very big dreams that even my father and my friends thought i'm crazy and they ask me to be more realistic. They can say what they want, but i keep telling myself that life's short and i wanted to die doing what i love, no regrets. 

Speaking of, i was having a hard time recently besides having problem with my own self. My mother is the biggest supporter of mine, and seeing how she wanted to help fund my studies later in the US, saddened me. She's really the greatest woman i know and to encourage, support and help me even when she can't do much at this point (since my father is the breadwinner of the household) is something i'll appreciate and remember forever. She believed in me so much and even tho i don't believe in myself as much, her supports make me feel that i have to be what i aspire to be. That's why, i am saving up to fund my own studies later. No matter how long it takes and how rough the journey is ahead, i will fight for those who believe in me. And thanks to Prabal Gurung's wise words, it helps me to get through this rough phase. 

"My advice is to not be in a rush to start your own stuff because Im a firm believer in paying your dues. Everyone has their own path to success and the sincere advice I want to tell them is just to create their own path and make sure they dont stop learning."
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Even though there's a very small chance he'll read this, i have to say that i thank him so much for being such an inspiration. He gives me hope during a hard time like this. I wish i'll have the chance to work for him later in the future, the day i first step my foot at NYC. 


Best Regards,

Silvia TehComment