Drunk in the daylight

Hi there! I've been missing for a while and you should've known that i'm a very, very busy person. Ha! I'm just busy during college days. Anyway, i miss writing whatever i'm feeling and i'm just going to write now.

Do you all know, that i'm quite a masochist? But i'm not the kind who like to hurt themselves, i just like to feel sad about things, you know. I've always, find a reason for me to be sad about but right now i just cannot find a single reason. I don't really know if it's making me happy... or incomplete? I know, i'm weird. Perhaps this's because i've been living a bitter life for the past few years and i'm just so used to feel sad that i kinda get used to it. But maybe this is a good thing, to not be able to find a reason to be sad about just means that my life's better right?
And actually, i do feel that i'm living a better life now. I'm so fired up, so pumped up to be sewing, pattern making, designing, and do all the things i've been dreaming to do. I love to hear the sound of the sewing machine, the sound of pencil moving along the ruler, and doing quick sketches. All these things, make my life happier. I particularly love the workroom and the sewing room at my school, especially when there's no one inside. It's just me and the machines, and with the sun streaming in the big window glass.., i cannot ask for more. I wish i have that machine at my room, and that big drafting table altogether but unfortunately, an industrial sewing machine can't even fit into my current room. So yeah, i will save that wish for next time.

All these i'm writing right now, might seems weird to most or all of you. It's like, who likes to draft or sew? But i just like them. They are the only reasons that keep me going, or to be exact, school is the only reason for me to keep going. And for the first time in my life, i am so grateful that i don't have to spend my whole day thinking about love or guys or relationships because that's what i usually did most of the time. I was such a clingy person back then, and a hopeless romantic to be precise. I did all these things for the guys i like; i sewn a scarf, i tried everything to cheered them up, i went across the country for them, etc and they are all super super stupid. I cannot believe i did all those things and i cannot believe of how naive and hopeful i was. But even so, i didn't hold a grudge toward anyone. Things happen for a reason, and those are all lessons for me to learn and i am grateful everything didn't work out because i cannot be the person i am today without doing such stupid stuffs.
Anyway, my point is i rarely thought about these love stuffs anymore. Let alone thinking, i don't even believe in love. And to be even more honest, please don't even mention the L word. I also don't like saying/typing it. I believe in relying on myself and chasing my dreams and i feel so happy to be freed from all those dramas.

Earlier this year, i keep questioning about what happiness is all about and now i finally found my happiness. It turns out that i don't need someone to complete my life, i have my dreams to complete the emptiness and it is the best thing that ever happened for me. I am writing all these things, with hope that all of you that are going through a heartbreak will be able to see that when a L doesn't work out, don't torture yourself. I believe there's some other things that can complete your life. For me is a relationship with my machine, but for you maybe it's hanging out with your friend, working, traveling, or anything. There must be something. Don't rely too much on someone and if i can make it then you can too. Believe me, i'm in a much desperate zone back then. So desperate that i cried everyday but now i live a more meaningful life. So yeap, hope this helps!

ps. yeah i'm a bit weird.

"Sometimes people are curious to know how we do all of it, but ultimately you do it because it's the only thing that keeps you going" - J.W. Anderson
Silvia TehComment